Find A Good Man -- But He's Divorced With Kids?
In the land of fairy tales people fall in love and live happily ever after.
The real world, however, has complications that can come between you and the man you're considering as a potential "Mr. Right". Especially if he's been married before and has custody of the kids -- and it's two, three or more and they're from different ex-wives!
Here's a reality check:
If you marry this guy -- you're also marrying his kids and his ex-wives!
Like it or not, it's a court ordered form of "legal polygamy" -- you may have to deal with another woman who is the mother of the children you're raising and she may act like she's still married to your husband!
So the first question you have to ask is -- why does he have custody of the kids?
The court usually gives preference to the mother in deciding child custody. When it awards custody to the father, there is usually an extenuating reason -- one that may have an effect on the emotional health of the children. If the father has custody of children from more than one ex-wife, it should be a "red flag" that something very unusual has taken place in this man's past.
It may indicate a certain pattern of behavior on his part...
At least as far as choosing the mothers of his children are concerned. You had better ask questions and not settle for simplistic "pat" answers. There's a story there and you deserve to know what it is. Getting to the truth about his relationship with his ex-wives is going to have a direct effect on the rest of your life -- if you marry this guy.
The next question you have to ask yourself is whether or not you're ready to become a full-time surrogate mother -- to the children of one or more women -- WITHOUT ANY REAL AUTHORITY.
That's right, the kids aren't going just let you walk-in and start telling them what to do -- neither will their biological mothers. You're not their mother and they're all going to make sure you understand that real quick.
You'd better believe this -- there are men out there who are looking for a mother for their children -- just like there are women looking for a "good man" to fill the father role with their own kids.
If you're a single woman who has never had children of her own to raise, you may find yourself getting swept up into the "family fantasy syndrome" -- before you fully understand what you're getting into.
RAISING CHILDREN IS A FULL TIME JOB.
Your life with him will always be filtered through his kids -- and his ex-wives. That's just the way it is.
Here's another important thing for you to consider:
What if the way he's raising his children turns out to be 180 degrees the opposite of how you would raise them? If they're not toddlers, you're pretty much stuck with their current "programming". You can't change them or fix them without an enormous investment of time and energy -- and what if "Dad" doesn't agree with your values and approach to raising HIS kids? What if he's perfectly happy with how they're turning out or even worse -- totally oblivious?
A word to the wise:
You can find out more about the real values of a potential Mr. Right, by watching how his children react to day-to-day life situations. Spend a lot of time with the kids and get to know them because they tend to be little "clones" of the parent in charge. You may end up spending more time with them than your future husband anyway...
If you find their core values are at odds with yours -- you'd better believe that they pretty much reflect the core values of your potential Mr. Right. It's what he does, not what he says that's important -- and what he's done is reflected in how he's raised his kids.
Now comes the big one:
If he's been married before and is raising his and his ex-wife's children, she is going to be a part of your life as long as the kids are living with him. This means you will find yourself in a relationship that -- when it comes to his (and her) kids -- you may never have the final "say". So prepare yourself for the ups and downs of another woman who has the emotional power to usurp your authority in your own home -- and it will be reinforced by your husband.
In conclusion:
There are many wonderful stories of new families being created because of the love of a Man and Woman who are willing to take on the responsibility of someone else's children.
Just make sure you are that person.
If you're not, you had better understand that those wonderful moments you're spending with him now -- may turn out to be the most quality alone time you're ever going to get -- until his kids are grown up and out of the house.
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